


This Is Never Gonna Go Our Way

by nuricurry



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-04 00:44:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17888285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuricurry/pseuds/nuricurry
Summary: "You may call it in this evening, but you've only lost the night. Present all your pretty feelings, may they comfort you tonight"Ash wasn’t delicate, wasn’t a trinket or something angelic and ethereal. Right then, he was something else. Eiji didn’t have the words to describe it. So, he didn’t use words.





	This Is Never Gonna Go Our Way

Ash had a mole in the space between his lip and nostril, just right of his Cupid’s bow. Eiji knew this because he had spent minutes upon hours staring at the artful line of Ash’s mouth, so long that he had all but committed every inch, every pore, to memory. He watched his mouth when he talked, shaping the distinctive syllables and consonants of English that Eiji had yet to master as fluidly. Eiji watched his mouth when he’d smile or frown, and all the various expressions in between. At that moment, he was watching his mouth hold onto two bullets, cradled in the corner of his mouth, lips pulled tight to keep them in place, while his hands were occupied with the task of reloading his pistol. 

Long pale fingers interrupted Eiji’s line of vision, as Ash took one bullet from his mouth, and loaded it into the chamber. “What’re you starin’ at?” Ash asked, voice muffled, words slightly slurred, due to the tightness in his jaw as he kept his lips taunt around the final remaining bullet. 

“You,” Eiji said simply, and smiled. Ash snorted and rolled his eyes, but there still rose a bit of color to the tops of his thin cheeks.

“Yeah, obviously. I mean, _why_ are you staring at me?” he clarified, as he retrieved that final bullet, and finished reloading his gun. The chamber was spun once, then with a flick of his wrist, Ash locked it into place with an audible click.

“Well, you didn’t ask why,” Eiji countered, “You asked me what I was staring at.” 

“Don’t be an asshole,” Ash sneered playfully, and Eiji laughed. 

“I learned from the best.”

The mole above Ash’s lip twitched, as his mouth pursed slightly, before smoothing out again, in a movement so fluid, were Eiji not watching him, he likely would have missed it. 

“Yeah,” he said with his eyes lowered, shielded almost entirely by the long, dark length of his lashes, “Don’t go around bragging about that. You don’t want people thinking I've taught you more than that.”

There was no question as to the meaning behind Ash’s words. He didn’t imply as much as he gave a clear, concise warning, just in as few words as possible. His point was made regardless; why waste his breath talking about what they both already were all too aware of? 

Eiji would be in danger so long as he was close to Ash. Ash’s presence, his very existence, painted a target on Eiji’s back, and he could only do so much to shield him from it. So, it better to present the illusion of distance between them. Ibe and Max had suggested that actual distance, physical separation, was likely the best course of action, but, Eiji had refused. He refused, not because he was so arrogant as to believe he was invincible, or because he believed that Ash could easily protect him. He refused because the alternative to staying with Ash was being apart from Ash, and he couldn’t fathom ever being able to accept those terms. 

“You have though,” he pointed out, gently, his voice just soft enough for Ash to hear as he sat back against the headboard, and rested the pistol on his thigh. His grip around it was loose, but it’s feigned; in the span of time less than a second, Eiji knew he could have the gun aimed and firing, should the need arise. All of Ash’s displays of ease were faked because he was never truly relaxed. He had such habits and inclinations beaten out of him, metaphorically and physically. The show of leaning back was for Eiji’s sake, the loose hold on his gun was so that Eiji had no reason to feel on edge. 

A lot of the things he did were for Eiji.

“What are you talking about?” Ash asked as the sharp angle of his eyebrow-- the one on the left, the one that was split, just at the tail end-- lifted curiously. His expression was briefly so much younger than how he acted, and it made Eiji laugh, which only caused Ash to scowl, and his brows to knit together. “Are you making fun of me?”

“Totally,” Eiji grinned. 

Ash leaned forward, and pushed on Eiji’s shoulder, shoving him in exasperation. Eiji, naturally, shoved right back. Pushing became pulling, became wrestling and grappling, and then with a show of strength that didn’t seem possible given his narrow shoulders and thin wrists, Ash yanked Eiji towards him, then rolled their bodies until he was on top of him, pinning him to the bed. The impact of his back against the firm mattress forced a breathy laugh out of Eiji’s chest, but the sound only strengthened as he looked up, and saw Ash smiling down at him. His eyes were bright pieces of sea glass when he smiled, and they only flashed brighter with the triumph he felt over their wrestling match. 

One thing that everyone always said about Aslan Lynx was that he was beautiful even in his worst moments. He’d told Eiji about how he’d been called _pretty_ and _beautiful_ and _sexy_ his whole life, and how he grew to hate those words. Eiji, reflexively, hated them too, but only because they didn’t do him justice. Ash wasn’t delicate, wasn’t a trinket or something angelic and ethereal. Right then, he was something else. Eiji didn’t have the words to describe it. So, he didn’t use words. 

His hands reached up, slipped into the shaggy lengths of Ash’s hair, and pulled him down into a kiss.

They’ve kissed a lot. It started in a prison visiting room as a plea for help and progressed into a friendly gesture, then into whatever it was now. There were as many different kinds of kisses as there were reasons to give them, and sometimes, those different reasons overlapped. Eiji found himself kissing Ash because he snorted when he laughed and it sounded nice, or because Ash had left his wet towel on his bed and he was mad about the damp sheets, which made Ash put his fingers in his ears to block out Eiji’s complaints. They kissed a lot of different ways, for a lot of different things, but right then, Eiji kissed him for one reason; he wanted to, and because he knew Ash did too.

His sweater was pulled over his head, and then Ash got to work on undoing the buckle of his belt and the fly of his jeans. “Jesus, Eiji, why do you--” he was briefly cut off, by Eiji’s tongue shoving its way into his mouth, which Ash took just a moment to appreciate before he pulled back and continued, “--dress like a fucking grandpa?!”

Eiji laughed, partly because what Ash had said was funny, but mostly he laughed at his genuine frustration at getting through the more extensive layers of his clothes. Ash, comparatively, only wore a baggy shirt and ripped jeans, so Eiji’s effort was considerably less. He taunted Ash with it, as he pushed Ash’s jeans off his hips, and then slid his hands up under the hem of his shirt to spread them across his back. 

More cursing, more grunts of irritation, more of Eiji laughing at Ash’s dirty looks. Finally, the two of them were nearly naked, until Eiji kicked off his briefs and he sat up so that he could pull Ash towards him again, kissing his mouth first, then that mole just above his lip.

“Ash,” was all he said-- all he needed to say before the two of them shifted again. Ash moved beneath him, while Eiji began to trail his mouth down from his lips to his chin, to his neck, and further still.

It took him until he kissed the center of Ash’s chest for Eiji to feel Ash’s body shaking.

Immediately, he looked up to Ash’s face in concern. Ash's breath came out in little staccato bursts. Gasp after gasp, he tried to calm down, but it didn’t work. His hands were shaking from where they grabbed onto Eiji’s shirt, fingers knotted in the fabric, and they pulled slightly, just enough for Eiji to worry he might accidentally tear or rip the fabric. 

“Ash. It’s okay,” he said softly, his lips moving to press again against Ash’s own, less hungry, and now instead softer, gentler. They were soothing kisses, that matched the slow, even timbre of his voice. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Ash argued, half angry, half embarrassed. He tried to force Eiji down atop of him more fully, one leg hooking over his hip, and pulling so that they pressed against one another below. Eiji squeezed his eyes shut as his half arousal made contact with Ash’s groin, but he didn’t move, especially when he picked up on how Ash’s body was noticeably not responding, aside from the trembling, and the tensing. Eiji shook his head. 

“Stop,” is all he said, and pulled back, not enough to be out of reach from Ash, but enough to leave a gap between their bodies. “This isn’t what I want. This isn’t what either of us wants.”

“Fuck, Eiji,” Ash groaned, and threw an arm over his face, covering his eyes, “Don’t tell me what I want.”

Just like before, Ash said more with fewer words. Eiji caught his meaning without further context. Ash had been told what he wanted before, by people much more malicious than Eiji. He’d had his wants and desires decided for him, to suit another person’s purpose. How many times had Ash been forced to do something with that sort of justification? How many times had it involved something like this?

“I’m sorry,” Eiji murmured softly, his fingers brushing across the length of Ash’s forearm that lay over his face, “That isn’t what I meant.”

Ash laughed, low, and bitter. “Yeah. I know. That’s what sucks.” 

Eiji moved so that he could lie down on the bed next to Ash, rather than on top of him. He didn’t pull away completely, because he didn’t want that, and Ash didn’t want that even less. Instead, he just touched Ash’s shoulder, just brushed his knuckles against his jaw. When Ash turned his head to look at him, his eyes were dark, hard, and shadowed by the furrow of his brows over them. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you Ash,” Eiji whispered. The expression on Ash’s face didn’t change; it only darkened. 

“Don’t lie to me,” he demanded, sharp, and pained. A beat passed, and with it, much of the anger faded from his face as well. “You’re the only one who hasn’t.” 

Eiji moved closer, and pressed a kiss to Ash’s mouth, as he nodded his head. 

“Okay.”


End file.
